April Newsletter: I'm Back!

It’s been a crazy year for me. I’ve taken time off from coaching and wellness in general, but am now ready to get back to it.
I’m also celebrating one of the big birthdays! Since I’m now officially “over the hill,” I think I can give some advice; celebrate every birthday. It is literally the most important day of your life. Regardless of how you feel about your age, you made it another trip around the sun, so relish it. And call your Mom, it’s a big day for her too.

​TW: pregnancy, hospital stays, surgery, depression, anxiety

This past year has put me through a lot. Shortly after my last birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was ecstatic! We had been trying-ish and it was welcome news! But shortly after came the chaos. At 12 weeks, I woke up one morning with leg cramps so bad I could barely stand. It felt like charlie horses in both calves and thighs. I started crying while feeding my pets their breakfast and had to have my husband come help me because I couldn’t stand anymore. I dropped off my son and went to the ER. I broke down as they were checking me in. I was terrified. I had been hospitalized years before with pulmonary embolism and deep vein thrombosis. But, I was more worried for my baby this time. I had to get ultrasounds on my legs, a cat scan on my lungs, and EKG of my heart, to learn that I once again had blood clots in my legs and lungs again. Luckily, nothing had made it to my heart. I was immediately put on blood thinners and then had to stay a couple of days in the hospital.

I was released early Friday afternoon. I was so excited to go get my son. He had visited me in the hospital for just a couple of minutes, but this had been the longest I’ve been away from him. I went home singing to him, took a shower, and then sent my husband to the pharmacy for my prescription. I was feeling a little woozy, but promised myself I would rest after I went to the bathroom. My son was playing in his playpen. I walked into the bathroom and then the next thing I knew, I woke up on the bathroom floor to my son crying. I had passed out and now could barely move. I had to crawl to the other room to get my phone and call my husband. I couldn’t make out any words, I just screamed that he needed to get home and I needed to go back to the hospital. He panicked and started racing home. My next call was to 911. This is one of the worst moments of my life. I was on the floor talking to the 911 operator while I listened to my son cry for me, unable to comfort him.

My husband arrived first. I can’t imagine his terror as he saw me just laying still on the floor. The firefighters arrived next. All I remember is starting to pass out and one of them growling “stay with me” as I tried to black out again. Of course, I’m a grump when someone is preventing me from sleeping so I’m pretty sure I screamed something smart back. But, luckily the EMTs got there. At some point, I heard my mother in law say something so I knew my son was being taken care of. I then was put on a stretcher and taken to the hospital. I had to keep my eyes closed during most of this and just focus on getting to the hospital. If I could get there, it would be okay.

I went through triage in the ER and then was transferred to the ICU. The clots had come back even worse and had filled my lungs. It was a wonder none had broken off and gotten to my brain or heart. The doctors talked to me about a thrombectomy. They would stick a tube up my femoral artery through my heart and into my lungs to vacuum out the clots. Normally, people are anesthetized for this procedure, but because I was pregnant, I would have to be awake. It was another in a week of terrifying events. I did receive some type of numbing agent so didn’t feel anything, but it was just….awful. Afterwards, the doctor showed a picture of the clots that were removed. He said it was a normal amount, but it looked like so much.

I stayed in the hospital a couple more days and then was released just in time to celebrate my son’s 1st birthday. The next months were really hard on my mental health. I had lots of tests run to try to learn why this was happening. All of them came back negative. There was nothing else to be done until I had my baby, who we found out would be a very healthy girl. I just didn’t have answers. I felt useless, my body had failed me again and I didn’t even know why. My anxiety increased as did my depression. I convinced myself I was going to die when in labor. As I put my son to sleep each night, I would hug him as hard as I could with the hope that he would remember how it felt and would be able to hug his sister for me. My husband and I argued a lot. We got into some of the worst fights that we have had in our 13 year long marriage. I just couldn’t deal with what was happening.

Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps. I gave birth to the most beautiful perfect baby girl in January and have been slowly recovering my life. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. I am finally back in a place where I feel as though I can dedicate my time to helping others. I can’t wait to get some new clients and start them on their wellness journeys!